Listening to the spirit within

City Hall in Philadelphia: one of my favorite buildings.

I returned from Philadelphia a week ago and brought with me the memories of many meaningful talks with friends, enlivening musical experiences in class, and overall feelings of goodness. I could have done without the whole getting on the wrong train on my way home, and the realizing I was going to some odd suburb rather than the airport, and not having any idea where I was when I got off the train with 3 bags of luggage, and not knowing when the next train was coming through and what my chances were of getting to the airport on time to catch my flight. End of story? Missed the flight, there wasn't another one until the next morning, and darn tired! But, good end? Realized how incredible good friends can be in those moments-- who drive a whole hour to come get me and let me stay another night at her house. Really touching.

So, despite getting home later than anticipated, I had a wonderful trip and this class was a very meaningful one. Meaningful in clinical ways, but also because in order to learn what to do with cancer patients and how to respond with entrainment to those in pain, we became clients ourselves and participated in really deep experiences.

Being with friends and being away from Gainesville shows me a side of myself I don't often connect with in my life here. I catch glimpses of ME. The me who isn't weighed down from my dislike of where I live. The me that knows who I really am and is empowered. The me that connects more to herself, and to the spirit beyond herself. That is a special experience.

This particular trip was even more moving because I stayed with friends. My good friend Jamie and I stayed up almost every night talking-- sometimes deep, sometimes superficial-- sometimes tears, sometime laughter. We didn't get quite enough sleep, but boy was I ever charged with good energy and a pronounced sense of my true nature that isn't blocked off by the heaviness life sometimes throws at me.

It was hard returning home. Beautiful to be with David again, since I always miss him greatly, but also hard for me to integrate these understandings of myself into my life here. When I was in Philly I had been so sure that I could do that, but it's another thing to actually be here and change those patterns.

I'm still working on it though. My first steps so far have been to just try to open to the spirit within me and not block it off. I think that's a worthy first step. I have spent much of my life downplaying the voice within me: not listening to when I'm tired, not believing my intuition, disregarding my beliefs. Sometimes I get stuck in my ruts and close myself off from the world, thinking that will make me feel safe. But, I forget that by nature I'm a people person. I don't enjoy big crowds-- not that kind of "people person", but I understand people and see people in a way that others don't. I'm realizing that about myself. Being with friends has helped me see what my real strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. In order to really accept that I think I need to open to my own spirit instead of muting it. Sometimes that feels scary because it's a change in my patterns. But, I don't think it's possible to stay where I am. It feels as though the only way forward is up. I better take it.

Looking for Beauty

I'm not sure how much I've talked on this blog about my difficulty settling into Gainesville. David and I have been here 1 year and 9 months and I admit that, even now, I am counting down to the time when he'll be done with his schooling and we can leave.

When we moved here we knew we would stay atleast 3 and 1/2 years for his program, and thought that if we liked it, we would settle down here. I hoped we might settle down here. I have a hard time with transitions, which is kind of ironic given that before Gainesville, David and I hadn't lived anywhere for longer than 10 months in the 5 years we've been together. David and I both really want a place to settle into. To feel home, to feel a sense of community, a feeling of connection with the land and people around us.

Knowing that we are leaving here in alittle under 2 years means that I never quite feel it's worth it to plant seeds. The result is that I often feel caught in my own little world and don't feel connected to much outside myself. I want to have that connection, I really do. Something about Gainesville just doesn't feel home to me though. I like it here, I really do. It's a great town, but somehow it just doesn't feel like home.

I certainly have been trying to find ways to connect. I get together with Silvia once a week for knitting (well, we try for once a week ;), which I really enjoy, I try to get together with other friends now and then, I have work (although I work alone, which often feels isolating). Starting my Masters really has been my first large way for me to bring new energy outside of Gainesville to my experience here. I'm just not feeling it in Gainesville, so I'm bringing in some outside help. I also find that this fall my mom is planning to move to FL and spend the winter! Awesome. She is retiring this spring and selling her house. It will feel good to have her here.

What I'm finding is that since I often have such a negative feeling about my home here, I don't put much love into this environment. I keep things relatively tidy and kept up, but I don't put that extra sparkle into things. And yet, I really value that in other people. Some people put that sparkle into their homes, their yards, even their clothes and blogs.

Lately I've been trying to bring some of that into my life. Knitting is a big way I seek to nurture beauty around me. Last week I got a haircut for the first time in over a year- it looks cute :) One of my clients' parents couldn't stop commenting on it- alittle too much actually. Made me wonder what I looked like before! ;) But, I'm also raking the leaves in the yard, cleaning the stove, trying new outfits, etc. I think I've underestimated the power of those little touches before. I'm a fairly all-natural, non-materialism woman, but that doesn't mean that an extra touch isn't a lovely thing. Maybe those touches bring alittle bit of that "home" to a house- to a person.

I don't know how much I want to bring home here, since I won't be staying. But, I would like to dabble with that feeling of home and atleast know how to bring it to my heart.

Normally I would end this post right now, but I want to add that just at the time when I've been trying to nurture beauty around me lately, the wildfires have been burning. It's making it awfully hard to open to my environment and feel open and peaceful with my home. For those of you not in Gainesville, there has been a steady plume of smoke for the last week sitting over Gainesville. Tuesday was the worst. I could hardly see the 25 feet across the courtyard where I work. Ash was falling over everything- leaving an eerie snow-like blanket.

I don't know if the the timing of the smoke with my trying for beauty is a message or just an ironic challenge, but either way it's awfully difficult to live with. I think I'll go turn our air purifier up. Atleast the inside of our home can have some smoke-free space, for which I'm grateful.

Back from vacation

I have not fallen off the ends of the earth. Or if I did, I'm back now. This evening David and I returned from our little, much needed vacation.

We spent two nights in St. Augustine, FL which was wonderful. David and I do plenty of traveling, but it's always for family engagements or some event where we need to follow others' schedules. This was the first time since our honeymoon when we just did what we wanted to do, for ourselves. When we first got into our hotel room we just sat on the couch and sighed for about an hour. There was no need to do anything but just sit. It was almost painful to feel my body slowly open, but painful in a very good way. There has been so much stress around here lately that my body had just been moving in on itself. It was nice to let some of that go.

We spent alittle extra moolah to stay in the downtown area and not have to drive to most places. That was wonderful. We walked down St. George Street a couple times, walked to the Castillo de San Marcos, had lunch downtown one day, etc. We also went to the beach both Friday and Saturday for some very cold and windy 5 minute swims. Perhaps my favorite memory (outside of just relaxing in our room) was Friday night when we decided, after having spent the evening in our room, that we felt like going out. (This is VERY unusual for us.) So, at 8:30 we sauntered outside, not having any idea what we would do. Then we heard live music and walked towards it. There was a fabulous fair happening 2 blocks from our hotel that we easily walked to and spent a few hours at. Totally spontaneous, and totally cool. We mostly just had fun walking around and watching people being playful and happy. We went on the ferris wheel and haunted house too.

Here's a pic of a moment when David had me laughing quite a bit. We were at the Castillo de San Marcos and I was casually, playfully asking him, "so, what's this place supposed to be for anyway?" He lowered his voice and playfully flexed his muscles. "WAR! Can't you feel the war?" So, I pointed across the fort and asked, "what are those?"

"War strollers! Those are war strollers!" I had a good laugh over that.

I'm glad I saw the fort, simply because I'm fascinated by those old structures. But, once I saw the basic construction of it I got a bit bored. That's ok though. We had plenty else to do.

After St. Augustine we went up to Macon, GA where we met up with some friends of David's from when we first met 5 years ago. There's a lot to that story which I won't get into now but I had a nice time and had some good connections.

And....we're back.

I have lots of knitting news to share, and actually already took the pictures, but I think I'll save that for another day. Have a good week everyone :)

Opening to the mystery

I haven't posted in a few weeks. I have wanted to a number of times, and then find that I'm not sure what to say. A lot has been happening, but somehow the moments happening are not "events" that I can bullet off. These experiences are more internal, which make it more difficult to describe in words. I have a hard time forming words during talks with David, let alone in a blog.

In my life I have prided myself on being on top of things. I'm organized, I remember details, I've got things covered. Lately I haven't been feeling that way. I feel "floating" and loose- less constrained.

The positives of this are that I feel more open. I'm less scared of the world. As a child I didn't have the strength to fend of the pain of the world, so I learned to tighten up and block it off. This was necessary and helpful for what it was, but it has served it's purpose. I'm strong enough now to deal with the world and open to it. And, I notice that people seem to feel that. Random people start talking to me-- the cashier at the grocers who never talked to me before started telling me about his high school and where he grew up; my acupuncturist told me about his family and what's happening for him at work; the auto mechanic started telling me about his worries over getting older when he wants to maintain his passion in car racing. These people never talked to me before, and honestly, I never wanted them to. I was afraid of those influences. Now I enjoy it. That's very cool.

The difficult parts of this are how new it feels. I have nothing to root myself to, since this experience has no model in my memory. I get worried that I'm not strong enough to handle it.

But, I am. I can feel it. A lot of shit has been happening lately and I'm taking it in stride. So much so that it kind of doesn't feel like shit. It just feels like stuff. It doesn't take me a whole week to recover because I'm not perceiving these issues as paramount the way I used to.

It's alittle scary to open to the world in this way. But, it's also rather exciting. Where will this world take me?

Back in the swing of things...

I have finally admitted to myself that it always seems to take me atleast a week after any trip out of town before I feel capable of attending to anything in my home territory. It then seems to take me atleast another week before I am capable of attending to anything beyond the basic necessities of life. This is true for a trip of any length. (Note that it's now been two weeks since our trip to CT.)

David and I had a wonderful time at my mom's 60th birthday weekend. The party was great, and I really enjoyed being there with my mom and other family members. It was great to meet all my mom's friends and co-workers whom I hear about. I danced and laughed and made merry. Unfortunately I did get sick upon my return. My whole family was coming down with something, and my body was probably more susceptible to it than usual, given the climate change. When we left Gainesville it was 75-80 degrees. Got into CT around 11pm and BRRRrrrrrr!!!!

But, I'm now coming back to myself. I even managed to begin looking at taxes today- wow for me! :)

All of this has me seriously looking at ways that I can make returns from trips easier. I will be going to Ohio and Michigan for a week this summer, then the trips to Philadelphia for grad school 4 times a year. In general, I may be doing this travel stuff more often than usual. I can't be laid up for weeks at a time while I figure my way back into my routines. Particularly with a business, it's hard when I'm out of the loop for any length of time.

I tend to have a hard time with transitions and change. I like routine. The process of packing is always hard on me. The process of being gone and then coming back is hard. It will be even harder when I have to be away from David.

I've decided that I will purchase a laptop. This will make it easier to stay in touch with David while I'm gone. Also, it may decrease the anxiety I feel when I return home and find 89 emails waiting for me. I always feel overwhelmed by that and it adds to my feeling "out of it". If I could stay on top of computer stuff when I'm gone, that may be better. Of course, the laptop will be good for school as well.

Other ideas for ways to make travel easier: I'm thinking that I will try to purchase or "make" doubles of some things so I don't have to get shampoo, soap, etc. together for every trip. I've also typed up a list of basic things I always need on trips, so I can more efficiently pack without getting so worked up.

I'd love any ideas you all have for ways you make travel easier. How do you keep connected to your significant other? Are there systems you have for making the process of travel easier?

Receiving what I open to

I have always believed that life will offer an individual what they open themselves to. The emphasis of this belief is slightly different than receiving what you ask for, although similar. In my early years of college I didn't find the perfect boyfriend-- even though I certainly asked for it frequently ;) I didn't find the perfect partner until I made a shift in myself. The process of developing a new space inside oneself and nurturing it with honesty to oneself and openness is what brings that new desire. Although sometimes it's appropriate to take some external steps to get what you want, often it's simply that internal shift that brings about change.

I have always had this core belief, but it wasn't until I started my own business that the truth in it became most clear to me. For some reason, the processes involved in owning my own business make everything very clear. When I open to something, the very next week I get it. I'm sure this happens in the rest of my life, but I haven't been able to see it as clearly as in my work.

When we first came to Gainesville, I spent the first 2 months working hard to develop my business. I expected it would take time, but I got frustrated when I still hadn't gotten any calls after a few months. One Friday afternoon I became so frustrated and upset that I began crying and realizing how angry I was. I took a bath and just tried to crystallize what I wanted in my mind. I literally yelled "I want a family to call me with a 4-6 year old child who wants me to work with them right now!" Then I calmed down and settled in to watch a movie. Two hours later my business phone rang for the first time- it was the mother of a 4-year-old boy who wanted my services and wanted to get started ASAP. I still have that client and they started my journey into this business.

Since then, I find that there will be times when I haven't gotten any new calls for new clients. These are times when I actually don't WANT any new clients since I'm too booked. Then, that feeling will change and I'll realize I'd like more work. I'll talk to David and say, "I wouldn't mind having 2-3 more clients now. Maybe I'll advertise next week." The next few days I almost always get 3-4 calls from families who want me- before doing any advertising at all.

Well, the experience of going to Temple has been another opening time. I have been considering cutting back a bit on my days of work so that I can focus on a fuller school load if (when?) I get accepted. In the last week 3-4 clients, for various reasons have decided to terminate therapy soon- for good reasons, not bad. It feels good- interesting enough, I've also gotten about 6-8 new inquiries at the same time. This means that I will have some newness in my work (which I was wanting) and I'll still be able to cut down on my days some (which I was wanting). I'm just flabbergasted. I haven't gotten any new calls for a few months- and now they all call or email in one week. All of this simply because I shifted something inside myself and made what I really want more clear to myself.

We are very powerful individuals, if we allow ourselves to be. Good for me to remember.