Looking for Beauty

I'm not sure how much I've talked on this blog about my difficulty settling into Gainesville. David and I have been here 1 year and 9 months and I admit that, even now, I am counting down to the time when he'll be done with his schooling and we can leave.

When we moved here we knew we would stay atleast 3 and 1/2 years for his program, and thought that if we liked it, we would settle down here. I hoped we might settle down here. I have a hard time with transitions, which is kind of ironic given that before Gainesville, David and I hadn't lived anywhere for longer than 10 months in the 5 years we've been together. David and I both really want a place to settle into. To feel home, to feel a sense of community, a feeling of connection with the land and people around us.

Knowing that we are leaving here in alittle under 2 years means that I never quite feel it's worth it to plant seeds. The result is that I often feel caught in my own little world and don't feel connected to much outside myself. I want to have that connection, I really do. Something about Gainesville just doesn't feel home to me though. I like it here, I really do. It's a great town, but somehow it just doesn't feel like home.

I certainly have been trying to find ways to connect. I get together with Silvia once a week for knitting (well, we try for once a week ;), which I really enjoy, I try to get together with other friends now and then, I have work (although I work alone, which often feels isolating). Starting my Masters really has been my first large way for me to bring new energy outside of Gainesville to my experience here. I'm just not feeling it in Gainesville, so I'm bringing in some outside help. I also find that this fall my mom is planning to move to FL and spend the winter! Awesome. She is retiring this spring and selling her house. It will feel good to have her here.

What I'm finding is that since I often have such a negative feeling about my home here, I don't put much love into this environment. I keep things relatively tidy and kept up, but I don't put that extra sparkle into things. And yet, I really value that in other people. Some people put that sparkle into their homes, their yards, even their clothes and blogs.

Lately I've been trying to bring some of that into my life. Knitting is a big way I seek to nurture beauty around me. Last week I got a haircut for the first time in over a year- it looks cute :) One of my clients' parents couldn't stop commenting on it- alittle too much actually. Made me wonder what I looked like before! ;) But, I'm also raking the leaves in the yard, cleaning the stove, trying new outfits, etc. I think I've underestimated the power of those little touches before. I'm a fairly all-natural, non-materialism woman, but that doesn't mean that an extra touch isn't a lovely thing. Maybe those touches bring alittle bit of that "home" to a house- to a person.

I don't know how much I want to bring home here, since I won't be staying. But, I would like to dabble with that feeling of home and atleast know how to bring it to my heart.

Normally I would end this post right now, but I want to add that just at the time when I've been trying to nurture beauty around me lately, the wildfires have been burning. It's making it awfully hard to open to my environment and feel open and peaceful with my home. For those of you not in Gainesville, there has been a steady plume of smoke for the last week sitting over Gainesville. Tuesday was the worst. I could hardly see the 25 feet across the courtyard where I work. Ash was falling over everything- leaving an eerie snow-like blanket.

I don't know if the the timing of the smoke with my trying for beauty is a message or just an ironic challenge, but either way it's awfully difficult to live with. I think I'll go turn our air purifier up. Atleast the inside of our home can have some smoke-free space, for which I'm grateful.