Opening to the mystery

I haven't posted in a few weeks. I have wanted to a number of times, and then find that I'm not sure what to say. A lot has been happening, but somehow the moments happening are not "events" that I can bullet off. These experiences are more internal, which make it more difficult to describe in words. I have a hard time forming words during talks with David, let alone in a blog.

In my life I have prided myself on being on top of things. I'm organized, I remember details, I've got things covered. Lately I haven't been feeling that way. I feel "floating" and loose- less constrained.

The positives of this are that I feel more open. I'm less scared of the world. As a child I didn't have the strength to fend of the pain of the world, so I learned to tighten up and block it off. This was necessary and helpful for what it was, but it has served it's purpose. I'm strong enough now to deal with the world and open to it. And, I notice that people seem to feel that. Random people start talking to me-- the cashier at the grocers who never talked to me before started telling me about his high school and where he grew up; my acupuncturist told me about his family and what's happening for him at work; the auto mechanic started telling me about his worries over getting older when he wants to maintain his passion in car racing. These people never talked to me before, and honestly, I never wanted them to. I was afraid of those influences. Now I enjoy it. That's very cool.

The difficult parts of this are how new it feels. I have nothing to root myself to, since this experience has no model in my memory. I get worried that I'm not strong enough to handle it.

But, I am. I can feel it. A lot of shit has been happening lately and I'm taking it in stride. So much so that it kind of doesn't feel like shit. It just feels like stuff. It doesn't take me a whole week to recover because I'm not perceiving these issues as paramount the way I used to.

It's alittle scary to open to the world in this way. But, it's also rather exciting. Where will this world take me?