Opening to the Silence

Over the last month or so I've found my senses opening- first slowly, and then rather quickly. This began with some deliberate steps on my part. I'm always working on ways to develop myself. In a way, this time in Gainesville feels like it could be, and is, an opportunity to try things out before moving to a more permanent location and a number of other factors jump into place (David and I settle into more permanent businesses, we have children, we build or buy a house, etc.). Although being in Gainesville has been hard for me for reasons that I'm only beginning to understand, this time really is a tremendous opportunity to "train" in life- to try things out and grow on my own before some of those other more settled things come into my life (things that I want, but will also mean less time/energy for just me).

A month ago David and I began taking a Qi Kung class that meets once a week for an hour. We had taken the level 1 class over a year ago and gotten a lot out of it, so we decided to now take the level 3 class. In the level 1 David and I had begun to really feel the qi, or life energy, moving through our bodies. We had more energy, were less fatigued, etc. After the class ended however, I had stopped my daily practice. So, now I began with this new level 3 class and am finding that, whereas the first class helped me feel the flow of energy through my body, this class is increasing the energy- "building" it really- at an incredibly increased rate. I end my 20 minute practice feeling ready to go boxing or something. I don't need as much sleep. It's pretty remarkable. My ability to experience things is increasing remarkably, as I have the energy to do things.

At about the same time, we began going to the local Quaker meeting. As I mentioned in my earlier post, that opening has felt very special to me. I hesitate to write about it too much because using words really takes away the essence of what it is. But I will say that it is another place in which I'm finding a nurturing of the part of myself that has been hidden for some time. It is a place that encourages and appreciates the connection to something beyond the day-to-day practicalities of life, and nurtures the spirit in us. The sacred in silence is appreciated and the possibilities inherent in being in that silence are opened to.

David and I also began going on walks now and then. Not just walking for exercise though- my intention in these walks was to notice. To appreciate the trees. To hear the birds. To allow myself to open beyond the confines of my own barriers.

You know what? It sounds beautiful to do all this- it sounds mystical. And, it is. It really is. But, at the same time it touches a deep ache. To open on a deep level exposes me to more. I feel more sensitive to the rough edges. When someone yells suddenly, I'm scared more easily. When someone shoots someone for no reason during the movie, my body is shocked. Even being in a room where people don't respect one another feels hard. In some ways, I'm starting to want to cover myself in a blanket and hide a bit. I'm like a baby taking it's first steps- but I haven't quite figured out how to make the falling graceful.

It reminds me of a natural stage in therapy that I often see in my clients. Often after making huge strides in learning how to engage the relationships around them, or making excellent progress in their language development, they will regress slightly and shut me out. I always know that this is natural and makes sense- they need time to integrate all this learning into themselves and make room to continue growing. After a few weeks, or even a month, if I can help the parents understand what is happening and keep them coming to therapy, the client will return to therapy having made a huge leap forward and are ready to continue in therapy. They just needed time to sit with the new learning, make sense of it, and come out the other side.

I'm on the cusp of that next leap forward- it's still feeling a bit safer under the blanket, but I'm starting to want to peek out some.

Where Has Abigail Been?

• Visited my best friend Amy in Arlington, TX...um, yeah...that was like a month ago. I'm really behind on updating my blog! We had a really nice time though. It was a good visit and we even visited a yarn shop. (more later)
• Had a stupid accident (I fell onto the tile floor while taking off my shoes) and threw out my shoulder/back. I began going to a chiropractor and was just about fine after 2 weeks. I'm continuing to go now every once in awhile to keep aligned.
• Celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary! What a beautiful, kind, loving man I married.
• Began going to a Quaker meeting in town. We've gone twice now and really enjoy it. We may become regular attendees. There is something very simple, subtle, but immensely meaningful about it. I've really been missing that in my life. I've missed a space of openness and silence to share with other people. To be in a room with other people who are all open and accepting of the spaces between things- the God in the openness- that is meaningful to me.
• We enjoyed a fun weekend with David's good friend Paul. He drove down from the Atlanta area and we had a really nice time.
• I'm doing a lot of work for the end of my clinical year (I have the clinical year end at the end of August for my clinic). Parent meetings, excerpt tapes from sessions, clinical reports, scheduling clients for the school year, etc. Scheduling- my favorite! Ulch.
• Looking at houses/apartments for my mom who is looking to move here in September. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm hoping we can find her a great place.
• Surprisingly, I've not done a whole lot of knitting. For some reason the rest of my life has sort of taken over. However, I did ply my first yarn on the spinning wheel. More on that later.

In general I'm having a hard time catching up on things it seems. The world is moving faster than me. You know what? I'm kind of ok with not moving as fast as the world- I hope it feels the same ;)