Out of place

David and I just got back from swimming at the local springs and my body feels better. Being in water and stretching my body some felt very good. Being outside and doing some pleasure reading between dips was also really nice. Being there with my honey made it all even better.

But, usually when I go swimming in a natural swimming hole I leave feeling totally refreshed, rejuvenated, and renewed. I don't feel that way right now. I think there are probably plenty of reasons for that-- my last paper hanging over me probably doesn't help. But, while I was there I couldn't get rid of this overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong there.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and so there were plenty of families, teens flirting, college students strutting their stuff, etc. Lots of people-watching. Usually that's one of my favorite parts, but today I found myself feeling smaller and smaller. This was my first time this year swimming with a big group of people like that, so I wondered if my feelings were about body image-- maybe self-esteem issues. I think that was a big part of it, but a larger issue that includes body image was the feeling that I didn't belong among these people. I didn't see anyone who looked like me or people who seemed to value the things that are important to me. Looking around, probably 90% of the women had sexy bikinis on and I realized that I had the feeling that the sexiness of our bathing suits was supposed to somehow define who we were as a group together. Funny because I think I wouldn't have felt that way if we just all took our clothes off and went skinny dipping (fun ;). Was it just that I know I wouldn't look good in a bikini? Maybe I'm just jealous of these women who DO look good. Maybe it was the teenage flirting energy in the air. Somehow I felt very old and conservative suddenly.

Coming back to body image... For those of you who don't know, I don't shave, and I have fairly dark hair. I have come to find that people either respond to my hairy legs with happy interest, neutrality, or disgust. I like to think that I'm secure with that range of responses, and usually I am. I'm secure in my decision to not shave, but when there aren't other ways for people to know me, I sometimes find myself wanting to hide. That's not their fault-- afterall, it's my decision. But there is a sense I get around people who aren't completely disgusted by leg hair. I didn't have that feeling today.

And eventually all this comes back to wanting a home. David and I have been in the midst of some big decisions lately about where to move at the end of the year. As we get closer to making the big decision the understanding that neither of us have felt at home here becomes stronger and stronger. So, I think the end answer to my discomfort today had a lot to do with that lack of home. The swimming hole represented Florida to me. A big part of my experience here has been not being able to relate to people, and maybe my feelings about body image were really all about that. Wanting to be among people whom I CAN relate to. People who share my values. A community I can be a part of.

I guess that's all any of us wants in the end-- to be understood and appreciated for who we are.