Listening to the spirit within

City Hall in Philadelphia: one of my favorite buildings.

I returned from Philadelphia a week ago and brought with me the memories of many meaningful talks with friends, enlivening musical experiences in class, and overall feelings of goodness. I could have done without the whole getting on the wrong train on my way home, and the realizing I was going to some odd suburb rather than the airport, and not having any idea where I was when I got off the train with 3 bags of luggage, and not knowing when the next train was coming through and what my chances were of getting to the airport on time to catch my flight. End of story? Missed the flight, there wasn't another one until the next morning, and darn tired! But, good end? Realized how incredible good friends can be in those moments-- who drive a whole hour to come get me and let me stay another night at her house. Really touching.

So, despite getting home later than anticipated, I had a wonderful trip and this class was a very meaningful one. Meaningful in clinical ways, but also because in order to learn what to do with cancer patients and how to respond with entrainment to those in pain, we became clients ourselves and participated in really deep experiences.

Being with friends and being away from Gainesville shows me a side of myself I don't often connect with in my life here. I catch glimpses of ME. The me who isn't weighed down from my dislike of where I live. The me that knows who I really am and is empowered. The me that connects more to herself, and to the spirit beyond herself. That is a special experience.

This particular trip was even more moving because I stayed with friends. My good friend Jamie and I stayed up almost every night talking-- sometimes deep, sometimes superficial-- sometimes tears, sometime laughter. We didn't get quite enough sleep, but boy was I ever charged with good energy and a pronounced sense of my true nature that isn't blocked off by the heaviness life sometimes throws at me.

It was hard returning home. Beautiful to be with David again, since I always miss him greatly, but also hard for me to integrate these understandings of myself into my life here. When I was in Philly I had been so sure that I could do that, but it's another thing to actually be here and change those patterns.

I'm still working on it though. My first steps so far have been to just try to open to the spirit within me and not block it off. I think that's a worthy first step. I have spent much of my life downplaying the voice within me: not listening to when I'm tired, not believing my intuition, disregarding my beliefs. Sometimes I get stuck in my ruts and close myself off from the world, thinking that will make me feel safe. But, I forget that by nature I'm a people person. I don't enjoy big crowds-- not that kind of "people person", but I understand people and see people in a way that others don't. I'm realizing that about myself. Being with friends has helped me see what my real strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. In order to really accept that I think I need to open to my own spirit instead of muting it. Sometimes that feels scary because it's a change in my patterns. But, I don't think it's possible to stay where I am. It feels as though the only way forward is up. I better take it.