Listening to the spirit within

City Hall in Philadelphia: one of my favorite buildings.

I returned from Philadelphia a week ago and brought with me the memories of many meaningful talks with friends, enlivening musical experiences in class, and overall feelings of goodness. I could have done without the whole getting on the wrong train on my way home, and the realizing I was going to some odd suburb rather than the airport, and not having any idea where I was when I got off the train with 3 bags of luggage, and not knowing when the next train was coming through and what my chances were of getting to the airport on time to catch my flight. End of story? Missed the flight, there wasn't another one until the next morning, and darn tired! But, good end? Realized how incredible good friends can be in those moments-- who drive a whole hour to come get me and let me stay another night at her house. Really touching.

So, despite getting home later than anticipated, I had a wonderful trip and this class was a very meaningful one. Meaningful in clinical ways, but also because in order to learn what to do with cancer patients and how to respond with entrainment to those in pain, we became clients ourselves and participated in really deep experiences.

Being with friends and being away from Gainesville shows me a side of myself I don't often connect with in my life here. I catch glimpses of ME. The me who isn't weighed down from my dislike of where I live. The me that knows who I really am and is empowered. The me that connects more to herself, and to the spirit beyond herself. That is a special experience.

This particular trip was even more moving because I stayed with friends. My good friend Jamie and I stayed up almost every night talking-- sometimes deep, sometimes superficial-- sometimes tears, sometime laughter. We didn't get quite enough sleep, but boy was I ever charged with good energy and a pronounced sense of my true nature that isn't blocked off by the heaviness life sometimes throws at me.

It was hard returning home. Beautiful to be with David again, since I always miss him greatly, but also hard for me to integrate these understandings of myself into my life here. When I was in Philly I had been so sure that I could do that, but it's another thing to actually be here and change those patterns.

I'm still working on it though. My first steps so far have been to just try to open to the spirit within me and not block it off. I think that's a worthy first step. I have spent much of my life downplaying the voice within me: not listening to when I'm tired, not believing my intuition, disregarding my beliefs. Sometimes I get stuck in my ruts and close myself off from the world, thinking that will make me feel safe. But, I forget that by nature I'm a people person. I don't enjoy big crowds-- not that kind of "people person", but I understand people and see people in a way that others don't. I'm realizing that about myself. Being with friends has helped me see what my real strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. In order to really accept that I think I need to open to my own spirit instead of muting it. Sometimes that feels scary because it's a change in my patterns. But, I don't think it's possible to stay where I am. It feels as though the only way forward is up. I better take it.

Mother's Day

My mom moved to Gainesville last September. It's been wonderful to have her around and spend time with her more frequently. But, although I see her atleast once a week, it's rarely for very long. Again...the whole school thing takes so much time (am I sounding like a broken record with that one?).

So, I've been feeling pretty bad not hanging out with her more. This past weekend just happened to be my one weekend between semesters, happened to be mother's day, and David had a workshop in Orlando. So, I invited my mom to come down with us.

I met up with her at a Wekiwa state park near Orlando on Saturday and had a wonderful day. There was a wonderful spring there, and I think it has to be the largest swimming area I've seen at a spring. Although there were tons of people, there was plenty of room for swimming (especially since everyone seems to hang out around the shore-- leaving the middle free for actual swimming). We swam, went for a nice walk, swam again and just enjoyed the day. Lovely.

Afterwards we drove back to the hotel where David and I were staying. The next morning David and I surprised my mom with three pots of flowers and a card that were all sitting outside her hotel room door when she opened it. She let out a great whoop of laughter and exclaimed, "someone planted a garden outside my door!" Then I heard the sound of the musical card playing, "how sweet it is to be loved by you". She really enjoyed it, and I was glad.

THEN! We did something completely different and really had a memorable mother's day by going to Epcot! We rarely do anything that huge for mother's day, but this year we really made it special. It was wonderful. David still had his workshop so it was just me and mom, but we had a great time. My favorite was our lunch in Japan. They cook the food right at your table and it's really like a performance with flipping things around and making designs on the stove, etc. And of course later we went to Mars, got shrunk by the guy from "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", tested a race car for General Motors, etc.

We met David for dinner on the way back home and here we are. Good stuff. All in all a very memorable weekend, and one that helped me relieve some of the stress and monotony of the semester. I feel as ready as I'm going to get for the summer semester.

Where has all the knitting gone?

I have been an avid knitter for some time. I was completely shocked to find that once school started I almost completely stopped knitting. I had to really dedicate myself to get a pair of socks done for Christmas that I had promised my friend Amy I would knit for her husband. I started them in July!!!

After Christmas I really totally stopped knitting. The work of school was just too much and I really didn't feel like it. Not having a desire to knit has been quite odd for me, but I assumed it will come back.

Anyway, this morning I woke up thinking about my trip on Wednesday. I'm going back to Philly for a summer course on pain management and entrainment. But, this time instead of a hotel, I'm going to stay at a fellow classmate's house. Ms. Host and I have steadily become better and better friends, although we never have much time to interact, so I'm hoping I'll get that time this week. Also, my very very good friend Jamie is staying with her too! So, that's exciting. Lots more time for hanging out.

Well, Ms. Host is pregnant and due in September. Another exciting part of staying with her :) So, although Jamie and I are planning to get a few nice gifts for Ms. Host and her family (it's her parents' house), I still felt I wanted something more personal. So, I started knitting baby socks today. I haven't knit baby socks before, and boy is it fun! Moves quickly. It helps that I have time today and tomorrow before the next semester starts. I'm packing and have a few other things I'm doing, but it's nice to have time to knit. And, I'm enjoying it. I'm not sure that I'll have them done by the time I see her, but hopefully soon thereafter. Fun.

Out of place

David and I just got back from swimming at the local springs and my body feels better. Being in water and stretching my body some felt very good. Being outside and doing some pleasure reading between dips was also really nice. Being there with my honey made it all even better.

But, usually when I go swimming in a natural swimming hole I leave feeling totally refreshed, rejuvenated, and renewed. I don't feel that way right now. I think there are probably plenty of reasons for that-- my last paper hanging over me probably doesn't help. But, while I was there I couldn't get rid of this overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong there.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and so there were plenty of families, teens flirting, college students strutting their stuff, etc. Lots of people-watching. Usually that's one of my favorite parts, but today I found myself feeling smaller and smaller. This was my first time this year swimming with a big group of people like that, so I wondered if my feelings were about body image-- maybe self-esteem issues. I think that was a big part of it, but a larger issue that includes body image was the feeling that I didn't belong among these people. I didn't see anyone who looked like me or people who seemed to value the things that are important to me. Looking around, probably 90% of the women had sexy bikinis on and I realized that I had the feeling that the sexiness of our bathing suits was supposed to somehow define who we were as a group together. Funny because I think I wouldn't have felt that way if we just all took our clothes off and went skinny dipping (fun ;). Was it just that I know I wouldn't look good in a bikini? Maybe I'm just jealous of these women who DO look good. Maybe it was the teenage flirting energy in the air. Somehow I felt very old and conservative suddenly.

Coming back to body image... For those of you who don't know, I don't shave, and I have fairly dark hair. I have come to find that people either respond to my hairy legs with happy interest, neutrality, or disgust. I like to think that I'm secure with that range of responses, and usually I am. I'm secure in my decision to not shave, but when there aren't other ways for people to know me, I sometimes find myself wanting to hide. That's not their fault-- afterall, it's my decision. But there is a sense I get around people who aren't completely disgusted by leg hair. I didn't have that feeling today.

And eventually all this comes back to wanting a home. David and I have been in the midst of some big decisions lately about where to move at the end of the year. As we get closer to making the big decision the understanding that neither of us have felt at home here becomes stronger and stronger. So, I think the end answer to my discomfort today had a lot to do with that lack of home. The swimming hole represented Florida to me. A big part of my experience here has been not being able to relate to people, and maybe my feelings about body image were really all about that. Wanting to be among people whom I CAN relate to. People who share my values. A community I can be a part of.

I guess that's all any of us wants in the end-- to be understood and appreciated for who we are.

Maybe a swim

I zoomed through writing 5 pages of my Theories of Music Psychotherapy paper yesterday and 2 more before David woke up this morning. Over breakfast we were looking outside and remarking how we both felt tired but antsy. Wanting freedom but also safety. Immediately I had a thought but didn't want to impose my idea if David didn't feel like it. So I carefully worded my comment, "I just had a thought and I don't know what you will think, but I'll just share it anyway..." He immediately said, "beach?" I love those moments. He read my mind.

So, I dedicated myself to finishing the paper today, in the hopes that perhaps we can go swimming tomorrow. And...I just finished! 13 pages hot off the press. I'm so pleased. I never expected to be able to have a day off this weekend.

In the morning I'll edit the paper, package it up to send on Monday, and then look online for some music I need to find for a new client. Perhaps swimming tomorrow! Now that's exciting.

I think having a day off will help me have the energy to get through the last paper on Monday/Tuesday. Yippee.

End of the semester

My last paper for this semester is due in exactly a week. I finished my quantitative research papers and mailed them in early, which was a good move. I find that I thoroughly dislike doing quantitative research. I'm glad that it's there because it's necessary and sooooo important, and god bless the people who do it, but I really don't think I'm a a quantitative researcher. Getting through that class has been a biggie for me. But, I think I did a pretty darn good job for someone who hated it. So, that's good.

And I've finished my clinical supervision paper early as well. An intensely personal paper, it was easier to get through but still took a lot of focus (something I'm running short on lately).

So, I have today, Saturday and Sunday to finish my paper for Theories of Music Psychotherapy, which is a big paper but something I'm fairly interested in, so hopefully it won't be bad. I'll mail that in Monday morning and then begin work on my final paper for Foundations of MT, a class I've been enjoying quite a bit. We've been doing TONS of reading on various perspectives and approaches in MT- everything from behavioral and biomedical to GIM, music-centered MT, etc. Then the goal is to develop our own personal set of beliefs and our personal foundation for MT. What is music? What is therapy? What is MT? It gets pretty interesting...particularly since I really had no idea there was so much written on the theories of practice. And I get to really think about what I believe. Pretty exciting. So, that paper will be emailed into the professor by 9am next Friday. I should be able to make it.

This end-of-semester is going so much better than last semester. Last semester I literally worked 11 hours a day for two weeks straight to get everything done at the end. This time around I worked more consistently during the semester and have made myself take one day off each week throughout the semester in order to keep my sanity. That one day off has made a difference. So, although I haven't taken a day off in the last month of this semester, I'm still not nearly as crazy as last time. It's nice to not be completely loony! Which is a good thing because after handing in my final paper Friday I'll fly back to Philly the following Wednesday to start the summer semester. Terrific.

A source of pure joy for me in school has been the friendships I've been developing. Being in a long-distance program I really didn't know how much I'd feel connected to the people at school. After all, we spend a week or week and a half together 4-6 times a year and then sometimes interact through online discussion boards. But, during those weeks we're together in Philly we spend the entire day together. Some of us who fly in (there aren't that many) practically live together. Then we call and email and talk between classes, so it feels very close among us. With my professors too. I've built some strong connections with a few professors. The program is such that I feel I can really be myself. Something rare.

So, the stress of school has taken over a lot of my life in the last year. Something that feels a bit much at times. However, those friendships, and the sense of growth I've experienced inside myself is priceless. It's fairly amazing to stop occasionally, look at myself, and realize "Hey, I actually know some things. I actually have insights about some stuff. I'm a professional." I don't know what I expected from a Masters, but somehow I didn't expect to really feel that I'm educated. I didn't feel particularly educated after my bachelor's...I felt as though I could do some things and I was a good therapist. But, I didn't feel educated. It's a nice feeling. I'm more confident in my own skin.

Thank you Clementine

My life has become so busy over the past year that my efforts at blogging have been sluggish, to say the least. Whenever I have had the moments in life to poke my head up and reconnect with people important to me, my guilt in not having connected during those times rises up and then I feel as though I shouldn't even try. Thus the guilt continues. The pattern continues...silly really. I've been so bad about blogging lately that I haven't even responded to posts that have been meaningful to me.

And yet Clementine returns. Clementine, I don't even know you in person and yet every time I read your blog, and your lovely wife's (I still do, and enjoy them immensely) I feel as though I do know you. I've recently made a very good friend at school and we've talked about a sense of "light" that you can feel when there are those who resonate at a higher frequency, or those with whom you connect. I feel that when I read your blog. It brightens my day.

And you encourage me to blog, after all this time. That's a lovely thing. It means to me that the sense of connection I feel is returned. And those connections are all too few in life. I certainly want to expand them.

So, thank you Clementine for accepting me back into the blogosphere, even if I come and go. Thank you for giving me the kick in the rear that I needed to stop moping around in my isolated computer space, and get back out here. It's a good place to be.