I have returned

Well I sort of disappeared for awhile there, didn't I? I meant to post before I left on vacation, but well, that didn't happen. Thanks for all your comments on my last post- it's always nice to return home to find comments that inspire or make me smile.

Clementine, your comment really helped me- about making home wherever you are, and really planting yourself there, regardless of how short a time you will be there. It helped on my vacation, and I continue to consider it as I'm now home.

The Saturday before Memorial Day I said goodbye to David and flew off to Cleveland for an event-packed few days. I was there for my cousin Charming's (no, not his real name) wedding, which was wonderful. I met my mom, dad, and brother there and saw all manner of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It was a very good and also interesting experience. Somehow I began to see more clearly where my extended family and I connect and where I start to move off on my own. It was a positive thing, even if painful at times. There is a richness in seeing myself in my family- to be known, accepted, and welcomed regardless of other issues, simply because we are blood and have known (and will always know) one another. That is a powerful feeling, and one I have missed a great deal since living so far away from family. However, it was also empowering for me to be able to acknowledge where we are different. In the past I think I have taken those differences to mean I need to do something different to myself. This time, I just acknowledged them as differences and tried to have fun- as myself, not as someone else.

The wedding was a blast! I wish David could have been there too- that would have made a big difference for me, but still. The highlight for me was at the reception when my cousin Andrew was dancing with his wife. They had a live salsa band and it was very cool. I should add here that my cousin Charming is someone EVERYONE wants to know. He is charming, good-looking, smart, funny, happy, a good listener, considerate, etc. I'm sure everyone at the wedding was vying for some time with him. Well, I was standing to the side of the dance floor watching them dance and smiling, feeling the love flow between them, thinking of how happy they looked. Of course I was also wishing David were there so I could dance with him. Suddenly, Charming whispered something to his wife and she went to dance with a friend. My cousin came and asked me to dance! I was thrilled. I have never danced salsa before, so I was slightly embarrassed for a bit, but he showed me the moves slowly for a couple seconds and then I got it. It was lots of fun.

On Memorial Day my dad and brother flew home to CT, while my mother and I drove north to Michigan. That evening we arrived at a place that is very special for me- Otsego Lake.

I have been missing this place deeply, since it's been 4 years since I was last there. Getting married and starting a business does that, I guess.

My great-grandparents built a cottage there in the 30's. My grandmother spent lots of time there (She was in her 20s when they built it). My mother has been going there since birth. My brother and I have been going there since birth. I hope to bring my children there too. Friends in the area told me they remember my brother and me as kids- running naked through the long grass around the cottage. It is a place of freedom for me. It is a place built of the magic of generations of women.

Although I say women (since that's how the cottage has been passed down), there is also a very special man involved in that cottage. My Cousin Tom. He lives there on the weekends year-round, and welcomes us there any time we can make it. He's a wonderful guy and I had fun hanging out with him. Although I've always laughed with him (he's a very funny guy), I don't know that I've had many real conversations with him before. I think this may be because I was too young. But, not anymore. We had some very good conversations, and I really enjoyed that.

This trip did me good. It was wonderful to renew my sense of community and depth of spirit. Particularly at Otsego Lake, the feeling of community and family and trueness pulsed through everything. I didn't expect it, necessarily. Lately, as I've considered where I feel at home, I haven't been able to find a place. I never felt at home in CT, despite growing up there for over 10 years. Interesting- although I've only spent a week or so at Otsego every other summer, I feel more connected to that space than any other place I've been. I feel rooted.

I was going to post a pretty picture of the lake here, but it's on my other computer. Maybe soon. Btw, my efforts at making travel easier have been working I think. It's still taking me some time to recover and it was still very hard to be away from David, but things felt a bit easier. I'll continue to practice. This next weekend this traveling woman is on the road again. Off to Texas, to visit my best friend Amy.

Wish me luck!