I did it!

I'm back from Philadelphia, and man -- what a feeling! I don't know where to begin. Well, I'll start with Friday I suppose...

In the wee hours of Friday morning I got up while David was sleeping to decorate the living room with birthday decorations, etc. I was quite pleased with the effect. It didn't feel good to know that I would be leaving on his birthday, and I wanted the house to feel special and celebratory, even if I couldn't be there. That went over well, happily. (Happy Birthday, Honey.) David has been so supportive over the last few weeks as my stress level has steadily increased. It makes such a difference. I hope things can even out a bit more now though.

So then I finished packing everything up for the next few days and went to give a presentation in town. It's hard to talk about some of this on this blog, since I don't like to name what I do (lest someone search for my business name, etc.) but basicallyI gave an introductory talk about what I do in town, for a group of people who may want to refer people to me. It went very well. They seemed genuinely excited and intrigued by my presentation, and wanted my information. Of course I like the idea of referrals, but the main aspect of it that felt touching was knowing that I made a difference that morning. I like spreading the word about what I do, and they seemed to "get it" and be inspired. That feels good.

After the talk... off to Philadelphia! I felt so impressed by my public transportation abilities on this trip. I've never been to Philly before (well, not as an adult anyway), and I haven't spent a lot of time in any urban area. However, during the trip I managed my way on the regional rail from the airport to the hotel, walked around Center City a good bit (perhaps too much, if the current status of my hip is any indication), and took the city bus a number of times as well. I did have a few scary situations come up that reminded me of my status as a young woman alone in a city at night, but I was able to handle it. My hotel felt good to me, and I now find that the hotel actually is only a couple blocks from where the classes I would take would be held, if I am accepted. I feel oriented to that area, so that feels empowering. Center City is a cool area.

And I'm realizing that I'm putting off talking about the interview itself. It felt very very good. It had a quality to it that I'm finding hard to put into words. The audition (playing my pieces) went well, I felt. I did smudge up one of my pieces, but I managed to keep going through it. The other I felt very positive about. Musically, I felt strong and that I gave my best.

After I played we began the interview. I interviewed with three of the four professors there - the fourth is on sabattical this year (Doug, I think you'll know who I'm talking about). I know one of them on a somewhat casual level, since he's friends with my mentor -- he winked at me a few times, which was nice ;)

And still I'm not talking about the heart of it. With the stress of the last few weeks, I had begun to feel pretty run down before this trip. I was beginning to wonder why I was even going. Basically I was burned out. The minute I was in that room with those people, I felt a strong sense of the fullness of what this program could offer me, and what being a part of this community would mean to me. These people saw me. These people understood my process. They even saw that I am burned out- even when I hadn't really named that or accepted it myself. I presented myself with as much honesty and integrity as I could, and I felt honored by the response given by them.

Halfway through the interview, one of the professors took a step back from the "interview" question and answer format. With a sense of truth and honesty behind her words she asked me what I really truly want- not as an applicant, but as a person. I said, "I want to feel connected to something." The sharing that came as a result of that question and my answer renewed something in me that has been fading lately. Someone saw who I was and valued that person. What a gift.

Towards the end of my time in room 327, the director of the program asked me if I had any questions for them. Taking a breath I replied, "Honestly, any questions I might have had have been answered by the questions you have asked me." We laughed, andI felt a connection in that laughter that felt very good.

And so now I struggle with how much I want to be accepted to this program. To want it means that it would hurt to not be accepted. I have felt how renewed and inspired I was to have spent 45 minutes with these people. I'm excited to think what being in the program could offer me, and the person I would continue to grow into.

I think I have a lot to offer their program as well-- I hope they agree.