Craziness

Well, I've been feeling rather crazy and stressed out lately. This week I sent out my application for grad school. *Applause*, "thank you very much." I hadn't realized how much it means to me to be accepted until the mailman was weighing the package and it was about to be sent. I happened to get the humorless, macho, business-like mailman. But, still, with a smile I asked, "Would you send some good energy with this package?" He looked at me deadpan and said, "ok". I don't think he had any idea what that meant, but I took it as reassurance.

I spent some serious time on the essay (as well I should have). In addition to the essay, I am lucky to be the protege of some well-known members of my profession. I believe their references will help me a good deal.

Now all that is left is to fly out to Philadephia for my interview and audition on January 13th. I could have sent in an audiotaped audition, but I feel strongly that I would like to go there and be met. So, that's what I'll do. I'm working hard to get my piano skills up to chops for the audition. I play everyday in my work, but not classically. In some ways, the skills feel different. So, I'm working on finding a teacher who can help me with some of the technical parts of my pieces.

Also, the day I leave for the audition I will be giving a presentation to one of the professional groups in town about what I do. So, I'm working on that. It ALSO happens to be David's birthday. Feels crazy.

This Sunday David and I leave for Los Angeles, where we'll spend time with my in-laws. We then fly to CT on Friday to spend Christmas with my family. We return the following Wednesday. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, however, having the trip in the midst of everything else is feeling hard -- not to mention the usual issues with visiting in-laws.

Am I complaining? Well, yes I guess I am. I have been feeling myself entering a new stage lately. I feel more open to life and more open to happiness around me. This feels good. This feels positive. But, at the same time I notice that I have more difficulty handling superficiality, pretending, not being myself. I know that I will need to do those things during this trip. So, I feel positive about where I am in my own development. But, sometimes (like now) it makes interacting with the world a bit harder.

I do want to see how I relate to the world. I just wish there were more places for me to relate to the world and be ME. I don't know how many regular relationships I have where I can do that during the week. I'm very grateful for David.

So, I HAVE been knitting. REALLY! Not as much as I'd like, but I have been. Unfortunately, most of my knitting is -secret- *shhh!* You'll hear about some of it after Christmas. I did finish another pair of socks that I'll show you sometime. Hopefully before we leave for LA.