Enjoying my day

I have just had a truly wonderful day. And I'm so glad, because I really was hoping for one :) David and I got up together and really enjoyed our morning reconnecting and being together. I tell you, that kind of morning is really underrated. Then, although it was 61 degrees, cloudy, and windy, we decided to go to the beach. We were both thinking we might be crazy. I mean, it was COLD. But, we idealistically hoped for the best.

It was magic. By the time we arrived at Anastasia State Park, it was 74 degrees, mostly sunny, and beautiful. We paid our $5, walked across onto the beach and found we were the only people there. It was stunning to find ourselves suddenly transported into a perfect day on the beach with not a person in sight. Of course, as the day continued to be nice, people began to arrive. But still, very few people- I guess being a weekday helps. We ate lunch, I knit, we went for a swim, lay in the sun together, swam again, thanked the beach, and contentedly went home.

Water is a wondrous thing. It can create movement in a body where everything felt stuck- without much effort on the body owner's part. I like it.

In the last month or so, I've been enjoying my life more. This has largely been the result of a fairly major epiphany the night before my birthday that it's OK for me to be happy. I know, it sounds simple. But, I tend to believe that if I'm happy then I'm being selfish, and others probably are suffering as a result. I also have felt in the past that I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to get what I want. Well, that is being blown out of the water lately as I've been experiencing what life would be if I really ALLOWED myself to be happy. Not to MAKE myself happy when I'm not really. But, to allow myself to enjoy life and feel happy when I'm enjoying life. You know what? People around me actually benefit from my happiness. They aren't held back by my getting the things I want. Yes, it sounds simple, but it's taking awhile for this to really sink in.

As I've experienced my happiness more lately, other subtleties are coming up. The more I enjoy my life, the less willing I am to engage in aspects of life that I DON'T enjoy. And, I become less satisfied with allowing those things in my life. So, where do I go with that? What do I do with the things that are not feeling so good to me and actually bringing me down (particularly if those things are a big part of my identity)? Right now I'm in the midst of looking at what my true needs are. What do I want in my life, and what don't I want?

This is the first time I'm really allowing myself to think about what I want and don't want. Not that you always get what you want. But, I think it's important to atleast acknowledge what you want before rejecting it.